Communicating to find the solutions to your problems
Most of us at one time or another have had difficulty getting along with others. This could be within our family, or within our neighborhood, or at work. It is most upsetting in our most important relationship when we have chosen a mate who likewise felt we were their special one. Or course we all know we will have disagreements, but doesn’t “LOVE conquer all”? Unfortunately, not quite. We have a body, a mind, and emotions. And while it would be great to say, our desire to be happy will control our physical illness, it does not happen that simply. Neither can we expect that emotions will control our brain or determine outcomes with others.
What we learned since infancy, through schooling, work experiences, and hundreds of inform and formal relationships, is that we need to use our brain to learn from our (and other’s) past so we can analyze, organize, and plan for the future. Our collection of information is stored in our brain as others have it stored in their both have our own unique storage methods. We even shove some things into active memory, others into past, and others into the “wastebasket” since we do not feel it will apply to us.
When we come together as a couple we value the different experiences that other has, but as time goes on, we come to expect that the other will see things the way I see it and often complain when they so not have the same thoughts or feelings. This results in the misunderstandings, the frustrations, the sadness, the hurt, and even the anger, couples experience. Hopefully we also can hold on to the affirmation, the caring, the excitement, and the love that we found in this special person.
When we begin to have more of the discontent and less of the admiration, we need to do something. We often try to get past this difficulty by choosing one of three ways to handle these issues —
1. Ignoring the problem(s), remaining quiet and hoping that ‘time’ will help us get past this trouble.
2. Leaving the relationship, often by getting angry and having nothing more to do with the other person, despite how this might affect other parts of our lives – children, employment, and home.
3. Addressing the problem with the other person and coming to a resolution, hopefully agreed upon that works for both. Or they may agree to disagree. This allows respect by both to do what they want without feeling they are wrong in choosing a different option.
While most of us would benefit from the latter choice, often we do not succeed in that choice because we do not have the skills to understand the problem clearly, or to discuss it calmly, or work through the problem without bringing in other unresolved issues.
If you find yourself often having difficulties in your relationship and unable to resolve problems, it often takes a professional with a (third ear) to help you. You may wish to come in and learn in a few sessions how to communicate more effectively and compassionately and then learn to work with your partner through problems to solutions.